Age Matters

When you tell your children, do so in an age-appropriate manner. Generally speak-
ing, the younger they are, the more comfort they’ll need. Preschool children need the
KISS (Keep It Simple, Sweetie) approach. Don’t lie to them, but keep it very simple.
Hug them. Let them know there will always be someone around to take care of them.
If it becomes necessary, you may also need to help them understand that death is
a part of life. You can use the loss of a pet, the end of a day, or the withering of a
flower as analogies. Let them tell you how they feel. For the very young, it is frustrat-
ing because they don’t know exactly how to express what they feel. This is a good
time to help them draw or paint what they feel.
School-age children also need a simple approach, but with one addition: They’re sure
to have questions. They’ve probably heard the word cancer, and will be naturally and
sympathetically curious. If you help them understand, they’ll help you in return.
They’ve already begun to see themselves as people. They also see themselves as use-
ful. Let them tell you what they can do to help. They are also much better at putting
words to feelings. If they do have trouble talking to you about your illness, ask them
to write you a letter about what they think and feel.
Teen comes from an Old English word that means “agitation,” and you’ve probably
already discovered how appropriate the word is. Indeed, the teenage years represent a
time of great transition and can be very tough for all involved—even without the ad-
dition of a serious illness. A teen’s life is all about trying to “fit in.” Anything that
causes them to stand out will be vexing. You’ll want to make sure to protect their pri-
vacy. Don’t talk about your illness in front of their friends unless they tell you they
feel comfortable with it.
However, no matter how standoffish or even surly your teens may behave in front of
you, chances are that they are just plain scared.
The biggest reason teens get scared is that they barely have control of their life as it is
and now they could be about to lose a loved one. This problem is so great that some-
times they distance themselves from the parent in order to buffer themselves from
the pain.
They’re also smart enough to understand the concept of genetics, and may be afraid
that if cancer can strike you, it can strike them as well. It may be the first time they
think of themselves as vulnerable in recognizing their own mortality.
The good news is that with age comes knowledge, and an older teen may be able to
understand more difficult concepts when it comes to both the emotional and the
medical challenge you face. A teen will typically ask more in-depth questions than a
younger counterpart, and you’ll be able to answer with more technical and clinical
details.
Finally, do remember that as mature and intelligent as your teens may seem, they are
in fact still children. Try to keep their lives as normal as possible and give them per-
mission not to grieve or to worry, but to live as normal a teenage life as possible.
Gender Bender
Another thing to keep in mind is that your children’s reaction may depend on their
genders. Generally speaking, boys will tend to grieve at the news, to consider the loss
of their mothers. Girls, on the other hand, will identify with their mothers and expe-
rience a mirroring effect, seeing themselves contracting the disease. Consider these
gender issues, especially if your children are teenagers.
If you need more advice, and chances are you will, take the time to consult profes-
sionals about the best ways to break the news to a male or female child.