Heart to Heart: Telling Your Friends

“A friend in need is a friend indeed.” Those words ring especially true when it comes
to coping with an illness like breast cancer.
For some of you, your friends are closer to you than your family and will want to
help in whatever way they can. Because they are your friends and not your family,
they may be easier to tell. Usually, friends are not as close as family, and this little bit
of distance may make it easier for friends to cope.
Just as your family members acted differently, so will your friends. Because your
friends are probably the same age and gender as you are, the way they are affected
may be different than family members. They may be thinking that this could happen
to them, too. And it could!
When it comes to telling friends, you might try remembering the five Ws and H you
learned in writing class: who, what, when, where, why, and how. We already know
the who (you and the individual you’re ready to tell) and what (that you have
cancer).
➤ When. Tell your friends when you both have some down time. Trying to relate
difficult information when someone is answering phones or caring for unruly
children or running off to meetings is not a good time. You want your friend to
be able to focus on what you’re saying.
➤ Where. Where do you want your friend to be when he or she learns your news?
At a computer screen looking at an impersonal e-mail? Probably not. Face-to-
face in a comfortable, private place is best, with a phone call at home running a
close second. You have the ability to tune in on their tone of voice or facial ex-
pressions. This helps you determine the path you want to take when it comes to
how much information they can handle.
➤ Why. Hiding information from friends, the people who know you so well, will
be difficult. You may also want to forewarn them about mammograms and BSEs.
You may need help. Friends do for one another. Now you may need them to do
special things for you.
All that said, telling your friends individually is
probably a good idea. Think, up front, of each
friend and how they might react to this type of
crisis. With some you can be blunt and rely on
their strength to handle the news. With others you
may have to break the news gently and be ready
for tears.
Your multitasking friends will want to help. Once
they have the news and know what you need, they
can shop for both of you when they are at the
store, pick up your kids when they are picking up
theirs, and take care of your kids when they are
taking care of theirs.
The most important thing friends can do is listen.
When you are scared, sad, or disappointed or when
someone in your family has accidentally said some-
thing to hurt you, you can turn to your friend.