First Things First

You’ve delivered the news. One person is angry and rages at the unfairness of it all.
One has just become numb and withdrawn. One has tears rolling down his face and
wants to hold you. Where do you go from here?
The only option open to you at this point is to accept each person’s reaction as best
you can. Know that, like you, he or she will eventually adjust to the news in his or
her own way. Remember that your attitude and way of coping will probably continue
to change on a daily basis. Your friends and family will need time, too.
And there will be questions—questions they expect you to answer. Our best advice:
Think before you answer. Once words leave your mouth it is impossible to take them
back, no matter how badly you would like to.
No, you are not going to die tomorrow. No, you are not contagious. No, it is not any-
body’s fault. Yes, bad things do happen to good people. Yes, in most cases, it is a
curable disease not a death sentence. And, yes, some things will have to change
temporarily.
Speak Up and Speak Out
For the next 6 to 12 months you will need some extras. You will not be able to partic-
ipate fully in day-to-day activities. Will everything go smoothly? Probably not. But in
what family do all things go smoothly under normal circumstances? As far as I know,
family perfection exists only on television commercials, Christmas plates, and reruns
of Father Knows Best. Such “perfection” is artificial and lasts for 30 minutes or less
with two commercial breaks. We’re talking about having to cope with a serious illness
for at least 6 to 12 months.
Under most circumstances, your family and friends will be considerate and support-
ive, so don’t be afraid to ask them for help you could use. And be specific. “Pick the
kids up from school.” “Take me to the hospital for my treatment.” “Help me with the
housework or cooking.” Sometimes help is just a request away.
In this un-normal time, try for as much normalcy as possible. Don’t expect people to
grieve all the time. Everyone’s emotional mind needs a break. You can turn away
from grief and come back to it at a later time. Work in some fun and laughter. Even
be the one who starts it! Just as you cannot grieve all the time, you cannot be serious
all the time. Make small talk and share in what’s happening to other people. The
world has never stopped turning because someone has breast cancer. Life does go on.
Participate in others’ lives, too.
Let’s add some specifics to this general information, and plan on how to deal with
those closest to us.
First Love: Telling Your Partner
“For richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; until death do us part, so help me
God.” This is a covenant, a pact, and one that some people take to heart more than
others do. For some partners, the relationship improves with the addition of the per-
sonal, intimate challenge of an illness. For others, the news sticks in the cracks of the
relationship, widening them until the relationship gets worse and maybe even ends.
And, you don’t have to be married for this to be the case. With boyfriends, girl-
friends, and fiancés, you are also treading on uncertain ground. Yes, it can depend
on how long you’ve been together, what future plans you have, or even the depth of
your relationship. If a relationship is on shaky ground to begin with, a diagnosis of
breast cancer may cause the ground to crumble; however, depending on what kind
of bonds you share and how strong they are, you both can rise to the occasion and
fight the battle together.
Remember, in this instance, that the person you’re telling is the person you eat with,
sleep with, make decisions with, the person with whom you’re sexually intimate, and
with whom you intend to grow old. You think you’ve built a foundation, but now
that you have breast cancer that foundation may feel a little shaky. Just as “location,
location, location” is the most important consideration in real estate, “communica-
tion, communication, communication” is the most important factor when it comes
to maintaining a healthy relationship with your partner during this challenge. When
breaking the news, be honest. Don’t over- or underplay the situation. After all, this
person probably knows you better than anyone else, and your partner will know if
you’re telling the truth.
Once you’ve communicated the news, you might
want to consider having your partner join you at your
doctor’s appointments. That way, he (or she) can more
fully understand what you’re going through and what
kind of help you’ll need and when you’ll need it. If
you’d rather cope with your appointments on your
own, take your journal along with you to jot down
notes, questions, and concerns. Your journal can be
your second set of ears.
It’s important to talk to your partner about how your
treatment makes you feel, and describe if your energy
level drops or your appetite changes. That way, your
partner can know what you might need in terms of
physical or emotional help.
Under normal circumstances, talking about sexual intimacy can be difficult, and your
partner may feel uncomfortable bringing the subject up. You may need to begin this
conversation. Talk to your partner about the importance of affection and how hold-
ing hands and cuddling mean so much to you. Or, if you are the type of person who
prefers “hearing sweet things” as opposed to touching, inform your partner that you
have not gone deaf, and you still need to hear “sweet things.” You may look different
on the outside, but on the inside you are still just the same.
If you’re like most couples who face this challenge, your foundation may shake, but it
should not crumble. Open and honest discussion will be the mortar that holds the
marriage together.